I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
