All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
