It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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