I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
