forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
