I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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