Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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