I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
