Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
