Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
