mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you would pick up someone in the library
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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