dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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