He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just blew my weed a kiss
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
