He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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