i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We are two peas in an std pod
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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