blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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