Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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