the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
