Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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