with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Found your dick twin last night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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