The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
