Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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