I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
