I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
