Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
even my farts smell like vagina
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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