I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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