i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
