So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
