HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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