Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
