I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
