I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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