My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
