New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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