you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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