proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
