What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He felt like a one man threesome
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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