Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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