I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
