Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
