Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
