Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
