I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
