He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
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