It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
