Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
