At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
