they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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