booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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