I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
