Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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