Cold hands, warm shart.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
