Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
